Friday, December 11, 2009

Tiger Wood's Women - Rating Tiger's Harem

Unless you've been hiding under a rock, you already know of Tiger Wood's many mistresses. Today we will attempt to rate the quality and desirability of his many women by attempting to determine how many ships they can launch. Our perfect number is of course 1000 ships - something only a woman whose beauty is equal or above that of the legendary Helen of Troy can launch.

Let's begin with Tiger's Wife, Elin:

Elin is a knockout. She's hot, super hot. She's a university educated Swedish blonde who used to be a swimsuit model. Can't get better than that. Me thinks Elin can launch 500 ships. Warships, ships of the line. Possibly many of them Swedish ships. But mighty fine ships nonetheless.

Next come's Cori Rist:

Man. It's hard to judge someone by one photo, but man oh man, this one photo speaks a thousand words. Tiger seems to be aiming low here. Me thinks she can get a couple of ships launched. One of them being Tiger's private yacht.

And here's Jaimee Grubbs:

Well. This one seems ok. She's not bad. She's the Vegas cocktail waitress that provided the incriminating voicemail where Tiger begs here to remove her name off her voicemail message. I think she can launch maybe 50 ships. Mostly sailing ships, a few military ships, and that fake Pirate ship from Treasure Island in Vegas.

And yet another woman named Jamie (Jungers):

Gee Tiger, what's with girls named Jamie? Yeah, sure the spelling is different, but it's still same name. This Jamie has got some charm. Not bad at all. I believe she can launch 100 ships. Decent ships. Merchant ships and some warships.

Introducing Kalika Moquin:

Tiger's finally aiming a little higher this time. This babe's a Vegas Nightclub executive, managing several clubs from what I recall. Not bad. Has a unique beauty. Shapely as well. Even got featured on a magazine (as shown). I think she can launch 150 ships. Mostly luxury yachts I would assume.

Million Dollar Babe Rachel Uchitel:

This woman was reportedly paid off by up to a million dollars to keep quiet. She's a nightclub promoter. She's ok looking. Nothing very impressive. But then again Tiger like's em so-so when he cheats. I believe she can launch 50 ships as well.

Here's Mindy! (Lawton:

I have seen a close-up photo of this woman. She might seem hot, but one look at the close-up and you realize she is NOT. Tiger sometimes really has no taste when he picks girls to cheat on his wife. Oh I'm sure this girl can get some ships launched. Perhaps a dozen ships. Mostly tugboats and other little crappy ships. Tiger's yacht will be included of course.

And last but not least, here's Porn Star Holly Sampson:

This is at best an incomplete list of Tiger's women. I'm sure there's more. But this babe's last on our list. She's a porn star who's special talent is being double-penetrated on camera. Back to aiming low, eh Tiger? Word is he had unprotected sex with this woman. She's got ok looks, and being a porn star, she's got the "T" and "A" of course. But really Tiger, a porn star? Man. To be honest, I don't know how many ships she can get launched. Based on looks alone, perhaps about 50 ships, but if I were a captain of a ship coming to her aid, and I learned she was a porn star, I just might turn my ship around.

I guess the ultimate lesson for Tiger here is that his super hot wife can get more ships launched that all his mistresses combined. So Mr. Tiger Woods, my word to you Mr. Billionaire playboy is to stop seeing these other babes, and stay home and go bang your super hot wife. She's a keeper and I hope you realize it you moron!